brain swab!

As anyone who knows me will confirm, I'm the world's biggest coward when it comes to medical interventions. I dread injections of any sort. The thought of a blood test will have me break into a cold sweat, and I invariably need to sit or lie down when it's over, so I don't pass out. So when I noted that the test for swine flu involved a swab, I was immensely relieved.

I arrived at the Avenue hospital and handed over the order from the GP. A pleasant nurse ushered me straight into a room, and closed the door behind me. Another very abrupt one followed quickly behind, thrust a mask at me, and told me that I shouldn't be walking around without one.

As she shut the door behind her, I put the mask on. And promptly started to 'drown'!

I already had nose and throat congestion. Without instruction, I unwittingly applied the mask too tightly, and could then not get enough oxygen in my mouth and nose. I tore the mask from my face, and gasped for air.

After a couple of minutes, I tried the mask on again, this time keeping it loose enough so that sufficient air could flow in and out. It was bearable, but certainly not comfortable.

The pleasant nurse came back to do the test. I sat back in the chair as she faced away from me, writing some notes at a desk on the other side of the room, and she began to explain to me how the swab would work.

There was a short, sort of... Twilight Zone-ish delay, as my brain started to absorb the meaning of her words and mesh that with the image beaming in through my eyes. The swab was to be done by inserting a needle-like instrument the length of a short spear, in through my... nose! to... the back of my throat??? And was she really taking a run-up towards me with that thing, like a javelin-thrower?? No... that part was just my imagination at work!

Ok, so I suppose it wasn't really painful, but it was damned uncomfortable, and it sure brought a tear or two to the eye! That thing was so long and mean-looking, it could have done a frickin' brain swab for all I knew!

Luckily, it was over fast... so fast that I didn't even have enough time to make myself feel sick about the shock intrusion of my body space.

I was quickly hustled out - with the mask on! - back to my car, to head home and keep myself quarantined until the test results come back.

I felt like a total geek walking back to my car with a mask, but it was almost worth it to see a woman cross the road to avoid walking past me when she saw my mask! Nothing to fear? Some people apparently don't think so.